Embracing Life’s Messiness: A Journey of Love and Loss

As I find myself at 32 weeks pregnant, flying back home to San Diego from Florida, my heart is heavy with the weight of impending loss. My grandma, a steadfast beacon of love and support throughout my life, has terminal cancer.

I struggled with starting this blog on that note, but then I remembered that the essence of blogging lies not solely in portraying life’s highlights, but in candidly sharing its unvarnished truths – the unfiltered reality of this beautiful, and messy life.

My grandma (Abu as I call her; short for Abuelita) embodies pure, boundless love; that’s why I’ve flown back home multiple times in the past year. While the inevitability or our mortality is a universal truth, it’s the stark knowing of her impending departure that makes it so much harder. Resilient as she is, she has already lived longer than the doctor’s suggested though.

Diagnosed around 2020, she fought the cancer for a few years with chemotherapy. Towards the end of 2022, the doctor’s said she would likely leave us before March 2023. My husband and I were engaged at that point, and we decided to expedite our wedding to December 2022 as it was important to me to have her there. Wearing the same dress she wore on her wedding day (and created by family), my family all pitched in to help pull off the most beautiful backyard wedding where I was blessed to have my Abu present.

I fly home in hopes of lifting her spirits. I’ve always been close to my grandma. She is the kindest, and most loving person I know. She has a way of making everyone feel so loved and special. To the people that know her, she is their grandma too. And to me, she’s like a second mom who raised me. She has always been there for me. I fly home to be there for her. She’s strong, but she’s scared. She’s tired, but she’s stubborn. Maybe I can make her just a little bit happier by being there for her, like she has always been there for me.

It’s difficult to say where this blog will take me, as I don’t know what life will bring. I invite you to join me as I share my real life with you. My hope is that you’re not just a visitor on my page, but you accompany me on this messy and beautiful life.

I grew up looking at this beautiful photograph of my grandparents on their wedding day. When it was my turn to wear a white dress, I knew it was my grandma’s dress I wanted to wear. Still in nearly perfect condition, I had it cleaned, and barely had to take it in. The only modification I made was Ving the back and adding buttons down the back of the dress.